...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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