Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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