The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
