So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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