yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
