I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
