I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
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I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
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Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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