I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
