the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
