I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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