have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
