She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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