We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller