Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
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