Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
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He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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