I will die if light touches me.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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