I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
