I must be too annoying 4 u.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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