I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
