i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
