Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
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I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
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Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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