Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.