I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
