just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
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