She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
