I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
