This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
