Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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