Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
