he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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