A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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