Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
