I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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