i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
