the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
