I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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