I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
