she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
