On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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