i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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