Apparently you make a good broom.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
