You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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