I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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