Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
