I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
