I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
