I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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