i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
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