I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
