booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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