hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
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