I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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