just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
