Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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