a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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