the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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