the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
