Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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