At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
